Rennan Barkana's Page of Quotes that are Just Plain Funny.

The Simpsons

"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations."
--- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

"Did you hear about the programmer who got stuck in the shower because the instructions on the shampoo bottle read 'lather, rinse, repeat' ?"

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
--- Laurence J. Peter

"A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep."

"The road to success is always under construction."

"The secret of staying young is good health, and lying about your age."

"Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying 'Yo.' "

"Apathy is not the problem - it's the solution."

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side."
--- Han Solo

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever."
--- Anonymous

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure."

"The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. The population is, of course, growing."

"It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope."

"I couldn't possibly disagree with you less."

"Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!"

"I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!"

"1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
2nd graffitiist: Why?"

"A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention."

"Dyslexics have more fnu."

"Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted."

"Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
Systems about which nothing general can be said, except 'nothing general can be said.' "

"Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes."
--- Mickey Mouse

"If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything."

"1st person: Do you believe in intuition?
2nd person: No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."

"Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?"

"If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"

"Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult."

"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good."
--- Samuel Johnson

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